- My Plays
(All of which are published in the Dare Project Anthologies):
A Family Tragedy
Sample
POP
(after a pensive moment)
Uhh… sweetheart… you know how every day after school the other kids go out and play and you have go with Mommy or Daddy to the special doctors? Dr. Samuel? He gave you that bubble gum lollipop.
LIZA
I liked that.
POP
Yeah… that was a good lollipop huh? And he puts those little stickers on your head? And he tells you to think about rainbows and unicorns?
MOM
(all the while been crying)
We’re gonna buy you a unicorn!
LIZA
Really?
POP
No.. no.. sweetie.. we’re not –
MOM
(angry at Pop)
Yes! We are buying her a unicorn if that’s what she wants!
POP
OK! You got it… a unicorn.
LIZA
When can I have it?
POP
I don’t know sweetie…uh… next week… two weeks… frankly I’m surprised you didn’t have a unicorn yesterday.
(after a pensive moment)
Uhh… sweetheart… you know how every day after school the other kids go out and play and you have go with Mommy or Daddy to the special doctors? Dr. Samuel? He gave you that bubble gum lollipop.
LIZA
I liked that.
POP
Yeah… that was a good lollipop huh? And he puts those little stickers on your head? And he tells you to think about rainbows and unicorns?
MOM
(all the while been crying)
We’re gonna buy you a unicorn!
LIZA
Really?
POP
No.. no.. sweetie.. we’re not –
MOM
(angry at Pop)
Yes! We are buying her a unicorn if that’s what she wants!
POP
OK! You got it… a unicorn.
LIZA
When can I have it?
POP
I don’t know sweetie…uh… next week… two weeks… frankly I’m surprised you didn’t have a unicorn yesterday.
Ibs in Space
Sample
GLEEP
We must hurry. Archie will you marry us?
ARCHIE
I don’t think I can. I’m not a priest or uh… a rabbi, whatever it is that you would need.
MANJIL
Theatre directors are recognized as ministers across several of the nitrogen based galaxies.
ARCHIE
All right then. What do I do?
MANJIL
I will provide you the correct words for the ceremony.
(Manjil starts to make fax machine noises and a slip of paper comes out of an orifice on his body. He hands it to Archie.)
ARCHIE
Gleep Glorp? Fifty smoots have lengthened your vessel so that Tchk-Ftang is before you a frapnopple. Do you have the signation to appeal to her breath?
We must hurry. Archie will you marry us?
ARCHIE
I don’t think I can. I’m not a priest or uh… a rabbi, whatever it is that you would need.
MANJIL
Theatre directors are recognized as ministers across several of the nitrogen based galaxies.
ARCHIE
All right then. What do I do?
MANJIL
I will provide you the correct words for the ceremony.
(Manjil starts to make fax machine noises and a slip of paper comes out of an orifice on his body. He hands it to Archie.)
ARCHIE
Gleep Glorp? Fifty smoots have lengthened your vessel so that Tchk-Ftang is before you a frapnopple. Do you have the signation to appeal to her breath?
Tip of the…
Sample
ASAVA
When you leave, you are going to take pieces of me with you. There are parts of you that are now parts of me.
KIT
Exactly. We’ll never really be apart.
ASAVA
Don’t turn my words around on me. You know what I’m saying.
KIT
No. I don’t.
ASAVA
You slid up against me and we just fit. Locked together. And, Kit, things just felt… right. It shouldn’t be so easy to leave behind those things.
KIT
Those things are memories. They’re good memories, and I’m taking those with me. I hope you keep them with you too. But pleasant memories aren’t enough to keep me here.
When you leave, you are going to take pieces of me with you. There are parts of you that are now parts of me.
KIT
Exactly. We’ll never really be apart.
ASAVA
Don’t turn my words around on me. You know what I’m saying.
KIT
No. I don’t.
ASAVA
You slid up against me and we just fit. Locked together. And, Kit, things just felt… right. It shouldn’t be so easy to leave behind those things.
KIT
Those things are memories. They’re good memories, and I’m taking those with me. I hope you keep them with you too. But pleasant memories aren’t enough to keep me here.
Troopas
Sample
BRAVO
I want to be the hero for a change.
ALPHA
You gotta be kidding me. Where would the hero be without us? How does a hero become a hero? Thanks to me. You take your delusions of grandeur and shove them up your shell. You wanna be a hero. Try doing it without guys like me.
CHARLIE
He’s right you know. A hero does require a legion of baddies to defeat. There’s a social contract that is formed among those in the game. The many must die so that the few can win.
BRAVO
All right fine. I get that. But maybe that’s not me. Maybe I’m one of the few.
ALPHA
You’re too good to do what I do?
BRAVO
I’m not saying that.
ALPHA
Yes, you are. Let me tell you something. Before this job I was a space invader, before that I was a ghost, before that I was a paddle. You can’t fathom the shit I’ve seen. Sure, I could’ve been a fangorious slime monster, I could have been a Nazi… I had offers, but I still have work to do here.
I want to be the hero for a change.
ALPHA
You gotta be kidding me. Where would the hero be without us? How does a hero become a hero? Thanks to me. You take your delusions of grandeur and shove them up your shell. You wanna be a hero. Try doing it without guys like me.
CHARLIE
He’s right you know. A hero does require a legion of baddies to defeat. There’s a social contract that is formed among those in the game. The many must die so that the few can win.
BRAVO
All right fine. I get that. But maybe that’s not me. Maybe I’m one of the few.
ALPHA
You’re too good to do what I do?
BRAVO
I’m not saying that.
ALPHA
Yes, you are. Let me tell you something. Before this job I was a space invader, before that I was a ghost, before that I was a paddle. You can’t fathom the shit I’ve seen. Sure, I could’ve been a fangorious slime monster, I could have been a Nazi… I had offers, but I still have work to do here.
The Boob
Sample
STU
You don’t see it?
FRANK
The schmutz on my window I was gonna pay you 20 bucks to clean off? Correction… 10 bucks.
STU
Frank! I don’t care about the money. This is more important. You are blessed.
FRANK
I don’t like where this is going.
STU
The bosom of Mary, mother of God is on your store’s window.
STU
Frank. You don’t feel it?
FRANK
Don’t talk to me.
STU
(checking his phone)
I uploaded the picture to my church’s website and it’s already gotten 2,300 views.
You don’t see it?
FRANK
The schmutz on my window I was gonna pay you 20 bucks to clean off? Correction… 10 bucks.
STU
Frank! I don’t care about the money. This is more important. You are blessed.
FRANK
I don’t like where this is going.
STU
The bosom of Mary, mother of God is on your store’s window.
STU
Frank. You don’t feel it?
FRANK
Don’t talk to me.
STU
(checking his phone)
I uploaded the picture to my church’s website and it’s already gotten 2,300 views.
Moon Rocks
Sample
PARKER
Son, do you have an axe, a hatchet, or something with which I
can construct a rudimentary lathe?
TREVOR
I am freaking out right now.
PARKER
Ian, I need you to hold him down.
(IAN grabs TREVOR and pins him to the ground.)
TREVOR
Please… there’s got to be another way!
PARKER
Turn away son, I’ll just shoot him in the face, your mother
will be able to find the rocks once his head is open.
Son, do you have an axe, a hatchet, or something with which I
can construct a rudimentary lathe?
TREVOR
I am freaking out right now.
PARKER
Ian, I need you to hold him down.
(IAN grabs TREVOR and pins him to the ground.)
TREVOR
Please… there’s got to be another way!
PARKER
Turn away son, I’ll just shoot him in the face, your mother
will be able to find the rocks once his head is open.
- My Pilot
Open Bar
Sample
FADE IN:INT. JACK’S DORM ROOM – DAY
(JACK, CRAIG)
JACK & CRAIG ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR FURIOUSLY TAPPING AWAY AT PLAYSTATION CONTROLLERS.
CRAIG
Woah. How’d you get that guy to jump over that guy?
JACK
Press the top two buttons while you roll the control pad counter-clockwise and when he ducks, tap B and hold L1.
CRAIG
(struggles with the controller)
C’mon you need a degree in engineering to work this thing.
JACK
Aren’t you an engineering major?
CRAIG
That was last year.
JACK
My five year old cousin has this game mastered.
CRAIG
So he could’ve gotten a degree by now. (throws down his controller) I give up. You’re just going to keep tearing me to shreds. Didn’t you just get this game three days ago? How are you so good already?
JACK
You too can reap the benefits of having absolutely no social life. That, and neglecting pretty much every class on my schedule.
CRAIG
Dude. You’re gonna fail.
JACK
Miserably. Wanna order a pizza?
CRAIG
Sure.
JACK
Pass me the phone.
CRAIG PASSES JACK THE PHONE. JACK BEGINS TO DIAL.
CRAIG
You know the number for the pizza place by heart?
JACK
Phht. No. I have it on speed dial.
CRAIG
You amaze me.
JACK
(into phone)
Yeah I’ll hold.
CRAIG
You waste money on beer, pizza, and video games and don’t care at all about your future.
JACK
It has taken me a while to be OK with that, now I’m sort of zen.
CRAIG
There’s no way that’s gonna bite you in the ass in the long run. At some point you will run out of money.
JACK
(into phone)
I’d like to place an order for delivery please. (to CRAIG) It’s my father’s money anyway. (to phone) Hold on, I have another call.
CRAIG
I hardly think that your father meant for any of the money he sent you to be used to buy “cool stickers,” for your bong. He’s gonna have a heart attack if he finds out.
ALL THIS WHILE JACK HAS BEEN SILENT, LISTENING ON THE PHONE.
JACK
He just did.
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
(JACK, CRAIG)
JACK & CRAIG ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR FURIOUSLY TAPPING AWAY AT PLAYSTATION CONTROLLERS.
CRAIG
Woah. How’d you get that guy to jump over that guy?
JACK
Press the top two buttons while you roll the control pad counter-clockwise and when he ducks, tap B and hold L1.
CRAIG
(struggles with the controller)
C’mon you need a degree in engineering to work this thing.
JACK
Aren’t you an engineering major?
CRAIG
That was last year.
JACK
My five year old cousin has this game mastered.
CRAIG
So he could’ve gotten a degree by now. (throws down his controller) I give up. You’re just going to keep tearing me to shreds. Didn’t you just get this game three days ago? How are you so good already?
JACK
You too can reap the benefits of having absolutely no social life. That, and neglecting pretty much every class on my schedule.
CRAIG
Dude. You’re gonna fail.
JACK
Miserably. Wanna order a pizza?
CRAIG
Sure.
JACK
Pass me the phone.
CRAIG PASSES JACK THE PHONE. JACK BEGINS TO DIAL.
CRAIG
You know the number for the pizza place by heart?
JACK
Phht. No. I have it on speed dial.
CRAIG
You amaze me.
JACK
(into phone)
Yeah I’ll hold.
CRAIG
You waste money on beer, pizza, and video games and don’t care at all about your future.
JACK
It has taken me a while to be OK with that, now I’m sort of zen.
CRAIG
There’s no way that’s gonna bite you in the ass in the long run. At some point you will run out of money.
JACK
(into phone)
I’d like to place an order for delivery please. (to CRAIG) It’s my father’s money anyway. (to phone) Hold on, I have another call.
CRAIG
I hardly think that your father meant for any of the money he sent you to be used to buy “cool stickers,” for your bong. He’s gonna have a heart attack if he finds out.
ALL THIS WHILE JACK HAS BEEN SILENT, LISTENING ON THE PHONE.
JACK
He just did.
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPEN
Christopher Catalano 